LaughDisorder.com - Funny Emails That Have Gone Around

Electronically Challenged Seniors from a Dad

Things are spiraling out of control. I think I have become lost in a world of electronic madness.

One of my sons informed me this week that my cell phone has become obsolete and I must head down to the Cell Phone store and get a phone that is contemporary with the time.

I pointed out that the fancy Razor/Slim line phone with camera built in that he made me trade my perfectly good flip-top Motorola cell phone for, two years ago still works perfectly fine. Well, except for the camera thing. Never could figure that out. Even the few times I actually did take pictures I couldn't figure what to do with them and gave up. That is except when I would push the wrong button and take a video of the ceiling or my feet.

Seems the issue is that I am unable to text with the tiny little 3 character buttons. "Hi, son," would come out looking like, "Gh Qmo." My grandkids have even spoken to my wife about Poppa's crazy text messages. Give me a break. Whatever happened to actually talking on a phone? Isn't that what they were invented for?

They want me to get one of those phones that you can turn upside down and sideways and has a typewriter keyboard with keys about one-eighth the size of my pinky finger. One of my four sons is a realtor whose real occupation is fly fishing. "Way to go, son." Or in my text language, "Xbz um Io, rmo."

We were floating the Yakima River in his guide quality drift boat, south of Ellensburg , Washington . We were miles from anything remotely resembling civilization. Rock canyon walls were on either side of us. Bear with me as I try to explain this strange thing.

His "Blackberry" rang. It was blue and I asked him why it wasn't called a Blueberry. He shook his head with that "dealing with an elder" despair look I get a lot these days. It was another realtor who called to say that the sellers he represented had agreed to my son's client's changes and he had the signed documents in hand.

My son told him to FAX the papers to his office and he would get them signed and Faxed back, to close the deal that morning. A minute later the phone rang and he hit a few buttons and looked over the FAX, now on the Yakima River with us. He then called his clients and told them he was Faxing the papers to them to sign and asked them to FAX them back to his office.

While he was waiting, he hooked into a fat rainbow and was just releasing this 22 inch beauty as his phone rang again with the signed FAX from his clients.

He called the other realtor and told him he was sending the signed papers back by FAX. The deal was closed. He smiled and just said, "You are a little behind the times, Dad." I guess I am.

I thought about the sixty million dollar a year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Nobles talking to my wife, as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good. When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets, and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phones ring.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.

I bought some of those cloth re-usable bags to avoid looking confused but never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?", I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

Oil Change Instructions for Women

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. Fifteen minutes later, write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

---Money spent: Oil Change: $20.00, Coffee: $1.00 = Total: $21.00---

Oil Change Instructions for Men

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $50.00.
2. Stop by a liquor store and buy a case of beer, write a cheque for $20.00, drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give us a use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil, splash hot oil on you in process.
12. Cuss.
13. Crawl out from under care to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
14. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
15. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
16. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
17. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
18. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes.
19. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.
20. Drink a beer.
21. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
22. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
23. Sunday: skip church because, "I gotta finish the oil change."
24. Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
25. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking to recycling depot.
26. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
27. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
28. Walk to liquor store; buy beer.
29. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
30. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
31. Remember drain plug from step 11.
32. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
33. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the backyard, along with the drain plug.
34. Drink beer.
35. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug.
36. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole.
37. Steal sand from kids' sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties.
38. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
39. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
40. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
41. Drink beer.
42. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes.
43. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.
44. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
45. Bank head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
46. Begin cussing fit.
47. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
48. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
49. Beer.
50. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
51. Beer.
52. Beer.
53. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
54. Beer.
55. Lower car from jack stands.
56. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
57. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
58. Beer.
59. Test drive car.
60. Get pulled over. Arrested for driving under the influence.
61. Car gets impounded.
62. Call loving wife; make bail.
63. Twelve hours later, get car from impound lot.

---Money spent: Parts: $50.00, DUI: $2500.00, Impound fee: $75.00, Bail: $1500.00, Beer: $40.00 = Total: $4165.00. But you know the job was done right!!!---

WORDS OF WISDOM

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheque.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words, "In five years, will this matter?"

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative --dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Pun Contest Winners

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

3. Two men sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Blonde Jokes

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, �I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!�

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. �Yoo-hoo!� she shouts, �How can I get to the other side?� The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, �You ARE on the other side.�

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. �Impossible!� says the doctor. �Show me.� The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, �You're not really a redhead, are you?� �Well, no� she said, �I'm actually a blonde.� �I thought so,� the doctor said. �Your finger is broken.�

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, �PULL OVER!� �NO!� the blonde yelled back, �IT'S A SCARF!�

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, �We were the first in space!� The American said, �We were the first on the moon!� The Blonde said, �So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!� The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. �You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!� said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, �We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!�

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, �If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?� She thought for a time and then asked, �Is it on or off?�

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, �Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?� �HELLLOOOOOOO......,� answered the blond. �They're watch dogs!�

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at airports!!!!!!!!!

Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you. It would be a win-win for everyone.

WHY I LOVE MOMS

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, 'I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed'.

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches. Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning. She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry.

She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk, wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a text book out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse. Mom then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night solution & age fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and filed her nails.

Dad called out, 'I thought you were going to bed...' 'I'm on my way,' she said.

She put some water into the dog's dish then made sure the doors were locked and the patio light was on. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and TV's , hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework. In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list. She said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals.

About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular, 'I'm going to bed.' And he did. without another thought.

Anything extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer...? Cause we are made for the long haul....(and we can't die sooner, we still have things to do!!!!)